I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
