Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
