hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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