How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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