and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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