THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
