i need an iv and a liver transplant
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
