My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
