i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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