i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize