tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
