Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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