one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize