wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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