im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
