Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
