Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
