do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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