my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
