I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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