it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
