remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
