Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
