KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
