Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
