You're so nebulous sometimes
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
