i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
