hotel room ftw
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
