I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
