he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
