i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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