my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
