I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
