if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
