this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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