He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
FUCK WHALES
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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