My Higher Power is John Stamos
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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