theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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