Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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