i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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