I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
