I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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