my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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