News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
