There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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