Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
