TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
