I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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