nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
