seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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