when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
