My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
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