the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
