I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize