just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
