Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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