she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
