Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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