Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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