Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
