we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
