That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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