you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
