we're chasing vodka with high fives
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
