Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
